I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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