I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
whose parrot is this?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
