Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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