have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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