come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
