You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
