If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize