What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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