he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
