New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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