Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
