I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
