She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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