Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize