I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize