I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
