maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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