This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Houston, we have a squirter
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
my liver is dry heaving
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
