I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
