I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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