Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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