I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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