It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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