Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
