If i come over, it means nothing
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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