I just cut my nipple shaving
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize