Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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