booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
