it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
