please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
