Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
