she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
