sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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