i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
