here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
