I just cut my nipple shaving
I think my fart just growled at me.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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