Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You ate ashes out of my bong
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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