Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
