Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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