When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
