You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
