question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
