So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
