Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
