Soap is not a condiment
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
