i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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