i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
