OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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