It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
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