Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
