My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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