the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Is it penis luge time yet?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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