My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
a search helicopter?!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
