I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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