come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
