Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
