i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
